My computer crashed for the 100th time due to a virus. It’s so strange since most of everything I do on my computer is school related… Yet I manage to get a virus all the time even with virus software… I pretty much lost everything and am on a friends computer at the moment. Lately I’ve been using the computers on campus and checking anything else from my phone which is why I never made that comeback I talked about. So much for that I guess for the moment.
So I kind of gave up on my blogging attempt feeling kind of hopeless and I wasn’t feeling like the connections and writing about everything were really helping. I would really like to give this another go though and blog, without expecting it to just magically help me find normal eating and thinking again. It’s a long and hard process and now I just want to write about it so that I can see any progress and meet new friends. Heck…maybe far down this road I’ll look back through my posts and really see just how much progress I’ve made and keep it up. Short post for now since I just came home for the weekend from school and have an amazing date tonight.
I definitely want to thank the individuals who did read my posts before I left and left me messages of encouragement. I hope to get back in touch and meet even more people.
So as I stated in my post this morning, I had an appointment with a therapist for eating disorders and eveyrthing that goes along with it.
I’m going to back up to my morning first though.
I actually skipped cardio this morning to have this breakfast before my appointment.
Oatmeal! Finally! (It’s somewhere under there.) I ran out of regular almond milk and used chocolate almond milk and a mashed banana to make it. Since the chocolate almond milk doesn’t really taste very chocolately at all, I figured it wouldn’t make a difference but boy was I wrong. This bowl of oatmeal was so chocolately (is that a word? Or am I making up words now? ) and delishous.
And while waiting for the hours to go by for my time to leave, I channeled the inner kid in me and watched some Loony Toons and drank some hot chocolate.
Back to the therapy appointment.. She seemed really nice (really thin…I can’t get past that. Is that so terrible? Its kind of like you don’t want an obese person as your nutritionist, you wouldn’t want someone who looks way to thin herself as your eating disorder therapist…) ANYWAYS. We just went over some handouts and she gave me a catalog of eating disorder resources. It was just the basics of course…just explaining what I was having problems with and a little background information. I have another appointment with her wednesday. I really hope I get something out of this. Most of the handouts from today were filled with stuff I’ve read before and never helped. And of course she asked about my support system which is non-existent. Seriously… I need to hurry up and move to Oxford and make some good friends… I’m tired of being stuck in this house alone all the time with my thoughts and the food. I had been doing better about the binges until last saturday and tonight. I just need to stop buying sweets since I know I won’t stop at one. Or buy them individually. I keep trying to give myself something everyday so i won’t binge but it backfires….Sometimes I wish I could go back to being underweight, and oblivious to the risks and instead just happy with how I looked. At least then I liked my body. Now…not only do I obsess about food and calories every minute of the day, I have such a hatred of how my body looks. Horrible body image… Sometimes I get pissed that my brother had to interfere and try to “help” me, but I know it was out of love and worry.
I kind of got around to this post kind of late so I’m ready for some much needed sleep. I know I don’t really post much, just once or twice every weekend, but I really never have the time during weekdays or really feel like it ya know? I made this blog so I can rant, and get every thing off of my chest since I have no one here to talk to. Sooo it’s really just when I have the time and want or need to. Or even feel like I have anything to say, because half of the time….my life just isn’t all that interesting as you can see. ;P And when I’m struggling with myself against ED, it usually will take a day or two before I will open up about it and get on here.
Popping in for a quickie before my appointment today. I finally found an eating disorder professional covered by my insurance. I’m so nervous and excited at the same time. Excited because I really need help and I’m very hopeful that she can help and I can get closer to loving myself and enjoying life again. Monday I went through the worst bout of depression and self hate I’ve had yet. Of course it all started with stepping on the scale and seeing it even higher. Today, even though I knew I shouldn’t, I weighed myself and seeing it 3 1/2 pounds down instantly made my morning a bit better. I actually felt sick just making my way to the scale terrified. Sucks how the scale can impact how I feel about myself…
I’ll be getting ready to leave to meet her soon. I’ll be back on here with an update tonight hopefully. Hope it’s not too bad. *fingers crossed*
It is HOT. 5 minutes outside and I’m already sweaty and dizzy. I’m soo ready for summer to be over and it’s only just begun. Already we’ve been over 100 degrees and it’s just the beginning??
I had a big lunch planned of oatmeal made with coconut milk, bananas, and lots of peanut butter but it’s just so darn hot and after being outside for too long, I opted for a salad from subway instead since I was already meeting up with Jason there on his lunch break from drill. I am NEVER getting a salad from subway again. I came away paying 9$ for a salad and some apple slice! Thats ridiculous. They charged me 1.00$ for a scoop of avocado that costs .50 cents on a 6inch sub… But because it’s a salad they charge 1$? And they refuse to cut my veggies! So I’m paying more for someone to make my salad when I end up having to un-make it and cut everything myself!
I do miss my oatmeal….
Now it’s time for me to clean the house and get everything taken care of that I can’t do during the week because of work. I’m very glad they are finally giving me close to full hours at work but I do miss having more time for everything. Fridays and Saturdays always seem to go so quickly…
I’ve only got 2 hours to get everything done too since Jason’s coming over after drill for the evening. It’s his last night here for the next 3 weeks since he will be leaving for his summer training.
I waited 3 weeks for this stuff. I originally ordered the chocolate but I guess since they shipped it late, they threw in Vanilla free! Heck yes. This should last me quite a while. I was so excited to try the sunwarrior protein but must admit a little disappointment when I did. I tried the chocolate and it tasted very powdery in my smoothie. Mixed with my peanut flour, it blended just fine though. I’ll keep trying with the smoothies..
My computer has been screwing with me for the past week (hence no posts). It’s been kicking me off and after two attempts to add a new post only to have it fail AND delete everything I typed…I gave up on it for a while. I did various sweeps and checks for viruses but norton claimed everything was fine so Saturday night I just signed out of everything, shut it down, and unplugged it to leave it alone for a while. Yesterday morning when I cut it on, everything was fine.. Guess it was just annoyed with me? Needed a break? Or probably trying to tell me to get a life…
Hopefully this post goes through..*fingers crossed* I really don’t see myself typing it out again if not..
I’m off for some breakfast and to see Jason before work. They have me opening and closing the place to work it alone on memorial day.. Not cool. I guess its ok though since I don’t have family here to visit with anyways.
Happy Memorial Day.
Does that not look amazing? Anyone who knows me can tell you my absolute favorite food is sushi and it’s always on the back of my mind. I just never get many chances to get some. Thats why I was so excited to see the daily livingsocial deal was for Ichiban! 20$ to go towards 40$ worth of food. Ohh hellz yeah.
So My boyfriend and I enjoyed a nice dinner at Ichiban Hibachi and sushi bar. We decided on splitting the ‘love boat’. I had no idea what it was and was just excited about ordering outside of my normal rolls. I definitely wasn’t expecting it to arrive at our table on a boat! How adorable is that? and it was only 35$. Considering it filled us up and gave me my sushi/sashimi fix, it was a great price. We normally end up spending that or more just ordering seperate rolls and edamame. I have to say…I have been thinking about the next time I can go back to Ichiban for another ‘love boat’. ;P
Just had to pop in for a quick update. The rest shall come tomorrow.
Admit it…your sooo jealous of my sushi boat.