Is there an end to it?

5 Apr

Warning for any ED sufferers. This post could be very upsetting or triggering.

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had with binging. Everytime I have a good day or two, it always ends in a worse night than the last. I’m tearing up even as I write this. I was so ashamed and depressed about everything that I didn’t even want to admit to it on here…but thats the reason I created this blog..partly. If I can’t talk to someone, then it just gets worse as I keep everything to myself and deal with the emotions that come with it. It’s hard to talk about with others because if you haven’t gone through it yourself, you can’t normally understand it. The psychological aspects and everything dealing with it. I used to think, “Oh well, just stop. Can’t be that hard, exercise some will.” It’s not so simple.
Back to last night… My binge was almost a whole jar of peanut butter. A major trigger food that after this last night, I’ll have to refrain from buying it for a while. Before It was all gone, I got up while crying and quickly ran water through the jar and threw it out. I’ve been struggling so much with this for months but last night was the worst especially mentally. I was crying for hours trying to get to sleep and really just didn’t want to wake up in the morning. It’s like my life has just all turned into this big struggle and theres never a moment in the day I don’t think about it. Always hungry, always trying to cut back to make up for it all only to ruin it at night. A never ending cycle. All I can ever think of is the calories. I’ll be thinking about that 2,200 for the whole week, thinking about how with the excess from the weekend it’ll just keep adding up. It’s all I think about when I look at myself. The physical changes are so noticable by me. My jeans barely fit and I don’t have the money for new ones so it goes as a constant reminder. I can never be happy no matter where I am or who I’m with.

In my previous post, I mentioned how excited I was about going out with my boyfriend tonight. We had plans for the movies and chik-fil-a. Now I can’t even enjoy that. I was going to go and actually order what I wanted which I haven’t had in years. The classic chicken sandwich with waffle fries. I want to be able to order like normal every once in a while and enjoy it but now I can’t. I still don’t know if I’ll go through with it or not still. Even if I did, I wouldn’t enjoy it thinking about last night but how am I supposed to explain to him why I changed my mind? It was why he was taking me there. I’ve never explained my ED to him in full. I’m too ashamed and I know he won’t understand completely.. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. I just want this all to stop. I want to be how I was months ago. 10 pounds lighter. And while I know 10 pounds would put me just under the healthy bmi, making mine ‘underweight’. So 5 or I don’t even know anymore. I just want it all to stop. I don’t want it to keep getting worse.

I’m sorry about my depressing post of the day. I really needed to get some of it out.

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One Response to “Is there an end to it?”

  1. thequirkykitchen April 17, 2011 at 5:57 PM #

    Sweetheart…..I’m here if you need a friend to talk to. I suffered from an ED for 10 years and i understand….big hugs xx

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