A little scared..

24 Apr

So I finally opened up to Jason the other night about my eating disorders. He knew about my previous restrictive problems in the past but I’ve been to scared to talk to him about how I’m still not okay and it being binge-eating I’ve been dealing with recently and hating my body now.. He was completely sweet and supportive about it but I still have to wonder if he thinks I’m completely crazy.. It’s not easy for some who haven’t dealt with it to understand. I’ve been really wanting to see a therapist lately in hopes it might help to have someone I can really talk with but I just don’t have the money and can’t see any way of getting it across to dad how important it is… I’ve tried to bring it up before (slowely) and before even getting into it, his responses were along the lines of “just don’t do it then.” …no dad, it’s not that simple..

I haven’t had any success in doing any better. I keep thinking every day that tomorrow will be a new day and I’ll do better and then it’s ruined…

Tomorrow?

…..

Anyways… Tomorrows my first day on the job alone. My coworker is off (I just realized she took off for easter leaving me to work the place…how nice.) and left me to set up and close. And because dorms don’t open back up until 4 (When I start work…) I’ll be dragging my bags and stuff back up to the dorm at midnight if I close at work fast enough to be lucky to make it to the dorm by 12.. only to wake up a couple hours later for more exams.. Yay? I was really hoping working every evening sun-thur would help distract me from my eating disordered thoughts and actions…but it hasn;t helped me being surrounded by food and desserts for 4 to 6 hours every day when I’m trying not to think of such things…

Happy Late Earth day also! Anyone do anything special to celebrate? I was going to participate in an animal shelter fundraiser on the day but didn’t have the gas to get there and back because of a problem with not being payed when I was supposed to be friday.. I still haven’t gotten it sorted out yet… Hopefully they will be able to tell me whats going on tomorrow. Have a good week.

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