15 May

Guess what I got in the mail a couple days ago…

I ordered some PB2 not too long ago to try. It lasted two days. Yes..TWO days. I used it in oatmeal, my smoothies, and lots of it just prepared alone or with yogurt. I wouldn’t buy it again however. The taste at first was ok but after a while of it, it just tasted kind of off and further from peanut butter. I’m currently trying to convince myself to pay the high price to get some real peanut flour off a website. (It’s really only around 25$ for the dark and light…but hey, I’m pretty cheap. :P)


Isn’t my unlce’s new puppy so adorable? They named him leo. I’m kind of attached to him now. He fought so hard to follow me and dad home. (I think my dad was even trying to steal him! ) It was pretty amusing because my dad isn’t a pet person so when he gets attached to a dog or cat, it’s pretty cute. He walked around with this pup up and down the street for about 30 minutes. I really thought he had left me and stolen the puppy as well. ๐Ÿ™‚ If it wasn’t for my classes and dad working out of town so much, I would have taken one of the pups myself.

Tonight’s dinner wasn’t the prettiest or best tasting.

Another attempt to get more veggies in my diet. I also addedย a turkey frank I found in the fridge. Dad thinks everything I eat is just odd or disgusting. I guess this combination probably was a bit odd…. Maybe even more so after adding black bean and corn salsa..

It was ok. Without the salsa, it probably would have been thrown out. I even ended up picking out all the asparagus pieces. (Cause I’m classy like that ;P) I don’t mind asparagus but in this steamer meal, they were very squishy and hard to get down…

It feels so weird not having some sort of deadline for classes to be working on. Even my job has been cutting my hours back recently because of the slow month. I need something keeping me busy. It helps a bit with my food problems and such to stay busy.
Shortly I’ll get to talk to my brother though. He’s the main one who started trying to help me and got me to start gaining weight back in the beggining. I haven’t seen him in months while he’s been off at a school required for ranger school. One of his friends called me today about maybe going up to his graduation on the 2nd together so I’m really hoping I can get off work and catch a ride with his buddies. I miss my brother. ๐Ÿ™‚
(I’ve also been stealing his shirts in hopes he doesn’t notice it when he gets home…He’s got plenty anyways…)

I’m sure he won’t miss any of his ole miss shirts. ;P He’s got a closet full of them. The only one I’ll have to worry about is his livestrong shirt. hehe… he might notice that one. The advantage of having older siblings. You can steal clothes from them but they can’t from you.

Also…any peanut flour suggestions out there? I’ve found only one website: byrdmill.com


No more finals

12 May

At least not for another 2 months. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Today I finished my last final and have everything moved back home. And I have a stove and blender! ๐Ÿ˜€ Which I used to make this delicious protein smoothie twice today.(I have a small smoothie obsession as of recently after maing my first one a couple days ago…)

It’s amazing how far a cup of almond milk, protein powder, ice, strawberries, and a little xanthan will go. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I made a chocolate topping using Carrie’s from Moves ‘N Munchiesย recipe for dark chocolate fudgies. (ย I might not be able to go a day without one of these anytime soon. )

I wanted to add another goal to my list…and that would be to incorporate more veggies in my diet. When I was losing weight over a year ago, I remember how I couldn’t get enough. I loved every veggie out there. When asked where I would like to eat, I would ask who serves lots of veggies. I absolutly loved going to cracker barrel just to get the veggie plate or Ryan’s buffet. Even though buffets were a fear of mine and I still avoid them, I jumped at any opportunity to go to ryans because I could fill my plate with tons of cooked veggies. Salads full of greens and veggies were a pretty daily thing. Now, however, I rarely get any veggies in. I never crave salads like I used to and sometimes the thought of one isn’t appetizing at all to me.

This was my lame attempt to incorporate veggies in for the day. I had a steamer bag of Green Giant ‘healthy colors’ veggies for a snack before work…and let me just say.. the sauce in this stuff was a huge turnoff. I ate every carrot just because I love cooked carrots but ended up throwing out a good amount of the green beans and clumps of the ‘olive oil sauce’. It certainly wasn’t a simple olive oil sauce because that stuff was thick and not very pretty… Because it’s easy and cheaper, I do like to get the frozen bagged veggies (lots of steamers) but I think I’ll keep sticking to the no sauce or lightly sauced so I can add my own salsa, hummus, or whatever in with them…

Oh and I started on my weight book Monday. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s been over a month since I touched weights and even then I didn’t do much so the burn and pain the past few days have been a very welcome change since it’s just proof somethings working. The workout doesn’t seem like much but it definitely left me in a good deal of pain. The first workout was 2 sets of squats, alternating 45 degree pushups(because I haven’t quite gotten the pushup down yet…) and seated row (2 sets each) and then alternating swissball jackknife (which I subbed in a different exercise for lower abs because I didn’t have a ball, and another exercise I can’t seem to remember at the moment. (Sorry! :P)
Today’s workout B included 2 sets deadlifts, alternating military dumbell press and lat pull down (2 sets), and alternating lunges and swiss ball crunches.

Does anyone else have trouble with deadlifts due to legs? I have long legs making it hard to squat right over it and always ruins my form trying to work around my legs and bring them up over my knees… I know you don’t really squat, but reaching the bar on the ground is difficult because of my legs and back problems I have.

Back with some goals for the month.

6 May

I’m back! Finals are over!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Well….all but one. I still have to come back Tuesday for my statistics exam.

I’ve realized that I have so many things I need to work on about myself so I decided to set a list of goals for the month of may through mid-june. I figured maybe it’ll push me to be more accountable to work on them if I tell others.

Goals for May/June:

Focus on getting in better shape.
Lately I’ve done horrible in that area. Sure, I do cardio everyday but its normally the elliptical. Everyonce in a while I run a mile and then jump on the elliptical. While I’m at a healthy weight according to bmi, I don’t see it or feel it. I haven’t touched the weights in almost a month. I’ve felt so rushed between classes and work, I would always feel I have to choose one or the other…cardio or weights. It was always cardio. I also would like to be able to wear my old jeans. And I don’t think I’ll be showing up anywhere in a swimsuit anytme soon.

Stop focusing so much on calories.
I’m horrible about this. At any given moment you could ask me how many I’ve consumed and I can tell you. I’ll even try not to log, but I still find myself adding everything up while I make anything. (You’d thing this would control my binges…yet it doesn’t. Just makes it all the worse because I know how much it all was in the end.)

Strength Training!
This goes along with the first one but I really want to start focusing on it more. I recently bought the book “Lift like a man, look like a goddess.” ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m pretty excited to read some of it. I don’t do so well going to the gym with no set plan of attack and I’m also no good at coming up with my own so I’m hoping for some ideas and plans for my workouts.

I think this might be the biggest thing I need to work on. The way I view my body is horrible. Most mornings before leaving I actually cry just looking in the mirror. All I ever see is the weight I put on and how horrible it is. Even though i’m at a healthy weight, I can’t see anything positive. I know a 19-20 bmi is on the low side, but it seems everything I gained went to extra fat on my thighs and stomach. I need to start loving my body somehow. And it really affects how I am with my boyfriend. The poor guy puts up with all of my irritable moods and bouts of crying. He deserves so much more but loves me and never gets upset with me.

Run a 5K in June
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it is. I barely get through a mile these days and have never gotten past 2 miles. I really want to work on that. Honestly I absolutely hate running but I’m hoping it’ll change if I start shaping up and getting better at it.

Tomorrow I’ll be working on packing everything up and moving home. I’ll finally have a blender, toaster, and oven! ๐Ÿ˜€ So excited. I miss my oats. I’ll also have more free time (which isn’t such a great thing in my eyes).

Did you make any goals for the month to work on? I never complete any of mine, but then I also never write them down or publish them. ๐Ÿ˜‰


1 May

It’s been over a week since my last post (oops..) but with work, finals, and studying I’ve had almost no free time! I’m posting this from my phone since i got to work an hour early after getting the schedule mixed up. It won’t be long now though. Just one more week to survive and I’ll have plenty of free time to have a social life, blog, and work more. ๐Ÿ˜€ see you all very soon hopefully!

A little scared..

24 Apr

So I finally opened up to Jason the other night about my eating disorders. He knew about my previous restrictive problems in the past but I’ve been to scared to talk to him about how I’m still not okay and it being binge-eating I’ve been dealing with recently and hating my body now.. He was completely sweet and supportive about it but I still have to wonder if he thinks I’m completely crazy.. It’s not easy for some who haven’t dealt with it to understand. I’ve been really wanting to see a therapist lately in hopes it might help to have someone I can really talk with but I just don’t have the money and can’t see any way of getting it across to dad how important it is… I’ve tried to bring it up before (slowely) and before even getting into it, his responses were along the lines of “just don’t do it then.” …no dad, it’s not that simple..

I haven’t had any success in doing any better. I keep thinking every day that tomorrow will be a new day and I’ll do better and then it’s ruined…



Anyways… Tomorrows my first day on the job alone. My coworker is off (I just realized she took off for easter leaving me to work the place…how nice.) and left me to set up and close. And because dorms don’t open back up until 4 (When I start work…) I’ll be dragging my bags and stuff back up to the dorm at midnight if I closeย at work fast enough to be lucky to make it to the dorm by 12..ย only to wake up a couple hours later for more exams.. Yay? I was really hoping working every evening sun-thur would help distract me from my eating disordered thoughts and actions…but it hasn;t helped me being surrounded by food and desserts for 4 to 6 hours every day when I’m trying not to think of such things…

Happy Late Earth day also! Anyone do anything special to celebrate? I was going to participate in an animal shelter fundraiser on the dayย but didn’t have the gas to get there and back because of a problem with not being payed when I was supposed to be friday.. I still haven’t gotten it sorted out yet… Hopefully they will be able to tell me whats going on tomorrow. Have a good week.

Back for a sec..

13 Apr

While I’ve been pretty busy, I have had a few chances where I could have gotten on to update. Honestly though…I was a bit scared. I haven’t been much of a success in my attempts of recovery and felt ashamed to come back on here to update.

Today I finished processing for my job. ๐Ÿ™‚ I will start work tomorrow and I have to admit I’m terrified. Haha, How will I be a concierge if I really don’t know the town all that well myself? I can’t tell people from experience the best restaurants to take their clients to because I’ve never been able to afford those places. I hope it all goes well.

Me all ready to go get my paperwork done. ๐Ÿ™‚
Before heading out, I had my favorite lunch to put me in a decent mood.
Justins chocolate hazelnut butter, bagel thin, and a banana. And quite a few of these throughout the day:

Well I’m off to study some more. In order to keep up full-time, I’ll have to work almost every evening so My studying time has now been severly limited. Only 3 weeks till finals though! Just gotta survive till then.

Hope your week has been good. ๐Ÿ™‚ Mine will be busy starting tomorrow!

Jobless no more!

6 Apr

I had an interview at the Marriott Hotel for a part time job as a restaurant server and came outย with a full-time concierge job! Heck yes. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll also be trained in the restaurant when things aren’t too busy as well. I’m pretty excited. I’ll start sometime next week. I’m kind of rushing around right now but wanted to pop in and apologize for my previous post and put an update.
I think haveing this job might really help me in recovery as well. It’s nights I have the most trouble with and this will keep me busy and give me something else to focus on and it’s evening shifts. I’ll be working till 12 quite a bit.

Anyways, sorry for such a short post. I’m bout to run off and pick some stuff up from the campus store before it closes. Hope your having a good week. ๐Ÿ™‚